YOU'RE IN THE ARMY WHEN . . .
Adapted by Cpl (ret) "Durty" Dan Leger

• Your kids call the sandbox "the training area".

• Your wife has melmac in the china cabinet.

• When your wife left you, you had a Change of Command Parade.

• Your wife carries a patrol pack instead of a Gucci purse.

• You butter your toast with a bayonet.

• Your personal license plate says "2 Easy".

• Your PMV has your unit tac sign stenciled on the door.

• Your kids practice drill at recess claiming they do it to “stay sharp”.

• Your kids set up and man an LP by the mailbox every night.

• Your wife won't buy anything unless it has a NATO Stock Number.

• Your kids have to stand by their beds for inspection.

• If your kids fail a test, they get put on C&P.

• Your kids salute their grandparents.

• All your meals at home are MREs.

• Your kids painted their Big Wheels camouflage and put tac signs on them.

• You kids “double” everywhere they go.

• Your wife uses cam-stick instead of lipstick.

• Your children clear housing before they go to college.

• Your minivan is equipped with blackout lights.

• Your kids call their mother “Sunray Minor”.

• You give the command "Fix Bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner.

• Your kids show their meal cards at the kitchen door, except the oldest, who is on TD from college.

• You make your daughter sign out on pass on Prom Night.

• Your kindergartner calls recess "smoke break."

• Your wife calls foreplay "prepping the objective."

• Your kids pull fire picket.

• Your newborn's first words were "all OK Jumpmaster."

• You decorate your Christmas Tree with Chem Lights and mine tape.

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