YOU'RE REALLY IN THE ARMY WHEN . . .
Adapted by Cpl (ret) "Durty" Dan Leger

Just in case the first list only applied to you ten years ago.

• You think beer is one of the four basic food groups.

• You pronounce "Warrant" like "Warn't".

• Your monthly paycheck is smaller than the average welfare payment.

• Your life is lived only in the present with no thought of the future (kind of like children, dogs, and paramecium.)

• You think marriage is a part-time job and adultery a tag-team sport.

• You spend half of your day sitting on your ass waiting for:

  • orders

  • supplies and/or equipment

  • other inconsiderate people

• Your “high-tech” equipment looks like it was used against Mussolini.

• You can wax and buff like a veteran janitor.

• You use acronyms in a social setting.

• The thought of buying a new pair of boots makes you perspire in excitement.

• You are able to say things like, "We must tactically maneuver these MLVW’s to the north side of the motor vehicle holding area at 0800 hours" with a straight face.

• You compulsively walk in step with your companions.

• You show your meal card before ordering your Big Mac.

• You know every tattoo artist within a 20 mile radius by his or her first name.

• The sight of a nifty drawing makes you itch to call the above.

• You look for an approaching individual's rank before you even glance at their face.

• You are familiar with every product Kiwi makes.

• Your boss says things like,"You will be there and have fun. That's an order."

• You dream in OD Green.

• You spend half of your time feeling superior to civilians and the other half wishing you were one of them.

• The first words you learn in a foreign country are all variations on "beer" and "alcohol".

• All of your medical ills are solved with Motrin or Penicillin.

• The word "Gas" makes you reach for a mask instead of a Mylanta.

• There is more starch on your uniform than there is in your diet.

• You have discovered that life can be narrowed down to three basic needs:

  • Sleep

  • Food

  • Excretion

• You suspect that your uniform and boots could probably stand at attention without you in them.

• Your skull retains the shape of your beret even after you've taken your headgear off.

• The tan on your face stops just above your eyebrows. Your Sergeant continually says that you look like you’re “down a quart”.

• All of your paperwork must pass through about 10 middlemen, each one more anal retentive, absent-minded and obstructive than the next.

• You give your kids Verval Warnings statements for failing to clean their rooms.

• You know that "guidon" refers to a unit's flag, not an underarm deodorant.

• You turn on your headlights during the day and shut them off at night.

• MREs are no longer interesting innovations, but evil little instruments of torture to be avoided at all costs.

• You can fix anything with gun tape and para cord.

• "Efficient" means using 10 soldiers to put up one wall map.

• You speak of the Air Force with equal parts envy and disdain.

• You can refuse a drug test, but will be legally punished for doing so.

• You are 35 years old and still don't have a credit card.

• You learn you are deploying from CNN two days before you hear it from your chain of command.

• It takes 9 hours to get TO the site of your field exercise, but only 2 hours to make it BACK.

• The thought of your colleagues armed with live rounds fills you with equal amounts of fear and panic.

• You could not tell the difference between Communism and your daily life when you looked up the word in the dictionary.

• Your chain of command arranges to televise the Stanley Cup via satellite in the field--in order to avoid mass rioting.

• You are required to obey the orders of a scrubby kid half your age who only wears combats now because his/her parents didn't want to pay for his/her college education.

• You can’t complete a sentence without the words f@#k or sh*t.

• When you’re finished ironing something you can shave with the crease.

• You can admit to using any of the following words/phrases within the past month:

  • "hand-carry"

  • "too easy"

  • "gun tape"

  • "close ranks"

  • "you know the drill"

  • "Warn't"

  • "tasking"

• You’ve called civilians names like “jaws”, “wingnut” and “yard-ape”.

• Your living conditions in the field are better than the ones you put up with in garrison.

• Most women living close enough to military installations to recognize a service member when they see one would rather give their phone numbers to a migrant farm worker than to you.

• If you’re a female member, you know men look at you and immediately think “dyke”.

• You wish they still served beer during lunch in the mess hall.

• Your promotion prospects hinge entirely on your ability to:
  • Run

  • Shoot at a sheet of paper

  • Shiney footwear

  • Send your clothes to a dry cleaner

• Instead of a gold chain around your neck, you've got a stainless steel one threaded through a the outer covering of a length of para cord.

• You consider gun tape to be worth its weight in gold.

• When you go camping, you first check for possible avenues of approach and good fields of fire before setting up your tent.

• You're the only one that doesn't complain about having to stand and eat at the same time at parties.

• When you're stopped by police for speeding, you give the excuse that you've just returned from Germany where there are no speed limits.

• You're always conscious of your per diem spending limit when in a nightclub on TD.

• You've ever used an American poncho-liner as a bedspread.

• Either you or your spouse have a least one pair of camouflage underwear.

• You've ever answered the phone at home with your name, rank and unit.

• You always back into parking spaces. (And beep your horn before you do.)

• You have to lookup your Parents phone number, but can dial the BOR, Pay Office, or any level of higher command with no problem at all.

• When your kids are too noisy, you announce "steady up!"

• You keep a box of MREs at home and in the trunk of your car in case of emergencies.

• You refer to your spouse as "Niner" or “Sunray Minor."

• The only suit you own is your CF uniform.

• You tell your kids to go to bed at 2100 and they try to explain that its only nine o'clock.

• No one understands the stories you tell because of all the acronyms.

• Your two-year old calls everyone in combats "daddy".

• The phone book lists your rank instead of Mr.

• Your spouse hasn't unpacked the good china for twenty years.

• You ruin the movie for everyone around you by pointing out the unrealistic military scenes.

• Your family calls you by your rank.

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