DDCC-25 THINGS TO TELL AMERICANS

25 THINGS TO TELL AMERICANS

You want to have some REAL fun? Here is a list of things you can tell Americans, next time you're down south. This page was inspired by the semi-regular "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" feature 'Talking With Americans'. (There's a link to their site in the LYNX section of this site.)

We have three seasons in Canada. June, July and Winter, eh.
Our clocks are metric, eh. So are the calendars, eh. Our money gonna go metric next year, eh. The reason why Canada is bigger than the US is that we use kilometers instead of miles, eh. See, there are 2.5 kilometers for every mile, so that automatically makes Canada two-and-a-half times bigger, eh!
In our big cities we have to carry firearms too, but not for protection from criminals -- for protection from bears, eh. Big ones, eh. Especially in the spring when they're REALLY hungry, eh.
We only live in igloos in the WINTER, stupid. For the two weeks of summer we run around naked on the tundra, eh.
Yes I do know [name] in Lethbridge, eh. I'll probably bump into them at the grocery store in Brampton, do you want me to tell them you said "hi"?
Canada is approximately the size of Rhode Island, eh. (If they don't know anything about Rhode Island, tell them it's in the Caribbean, next to Cuba, eh.)
We have ONE McDonald's in Canada and it serves "McCariboo Burgers", "Fillet o' Beaver Tail", and "Blubber Fries", eh.
Cell phones are outlawed in Canada because they have been linked to cancer in muskrats, eh.
We don't leave our kids outside for too long on account of the Polar Bears, eh.
Yeah, we have electricity, eh. Most everyone has a generator wired to their igloo, eh.
Like most people in Canada, I have a pet moose, eh. Mine's named "Diefenbaker", eh.
Canada got it's name from drawing letters from a hat. "C", eh. "N", eh. "D", eh. [You gotta say this out loud to get it, eh.]
My grandma died because of a snow snake bite, eh.
We have two TV Channels, eh. Channel One is the CBC and it shows hockey games when the home team is in Canada, eh. Channel Two is the CTV and it shows hockey games when the home team is in America, eh. When there's no hockey, they broadcast cougar, bear and polar bear location reports -- so we know when it's safe to go outside, eh.
I got lost on the way to work and had to eat one of my sled dogs to survive, eh.
Ammunition used in hunting is tax deductible under "living expenses", eh.
We only use roman numerals, eh. My Social Insurance Number is DXI-CCXXIII-DCLXXVII, eh. (That's 511-323-678 in American, eh.)
Nobody has to carry identification because we know everybody else in the country, eh.
In the Canadian Constitution every citizen of Canada has the right to stay one night at the Prime Minister's residence (that's like the Canuck Whitehouse, eh.) According to the Constitution, you have to cook breakfast for the PM the next morning, eh.
In Canada you're either a hunter, trapper, Mountie or you work for the government, eh. Oh yeah, we got a couple guys in the army, too, eh.
We don't put out pets out at night or the cougars'll get them, eh.
My cottage is on an ice floe, eh.
When we turn eighteen, we have to serve in the Army for six months, that way everyone will have the necessary winter survival skills, eh.
We don't have propane barbeques, all our barbeques burn peat moss or moose dung, eh.
What a trip to get here, eh! When we took our dog sled to the Hudson's Bay trading post, we got attacked by an arctic muskox herd, eh. Luckily a Mountie was riding by on patrol in the area and he rode his horse right into them muskoxen, eh. Saved our lives, he did, eh.
When we got to the Trading Post we had to wait until they cleared the moose and snow off the runway, eh. Then the bush plane we took to Toronto iced up and made an emergency landing in Montreal and we had to portage to the border, eh.
We were lucky 'cause there was a bunch of Voyageurs set to bring a big load of maple syrup down to the border, so we hitched along with them, eh. We got stopped by some Red Coats (them and the Frenchies don't get along, eh). When the Red Coats found out we weren't all Frenchies they let us go on our way, eh. I don't think they could have done much, they were pretty drunk, as usual, eh.
So we finally got to the border, eh. As usual we had to go to US Customs to get our Dog Sledding Licence converted to a motor vehicle licence, eh. The American rental place didn't take Canadian Express,eh. So then we had to trade beaver pelts for American money, eh. Luckily they do that at the border crossing, eh. When we finally got our, what do you call it -- car? -- we were scared half to death 'cause it went so FAST, eh.
I can't wait to get back home, it's too hot here, eh.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This article is a joke. Please, please, please, please, PLEASE -- don't tell Americans any of this stuff, their knowledge of us is bad enough down there already.

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