THE DURTY DAN MYTH

INTRODUCTION

Time to time, something happens when I play. I do something really cool. Over the years, fellow Club Members have stated that it was one more thing to add to the "Durty Dan Myth".

I thought I'd share them with you, AND THEN tell you what I'm REALLY like.

DURTY DAN -- PAINTBALL GOD? (I THINK NOT!)

Last summer ('96), I went home to see my folks and my daughter. I took my daughter to a small amusement park outside my home town. My daughter was wearing my "Durty Dan" hat and the guy who ran the paintball field at the park asked if she knew Durty Dan. She said, "Yes, he's my dad." and pointed to me.

He quickly invited me out to play with his club the next day.

So, Sunday, I'm at the field and these guys lend me some gear, 'cause I never expected to have the time to play paintball (my daughter gave me permission). The first game, I single handedly eliminated all ten opposing players, in the first five minutes of the game. I've been playing since 1984 and I have NEVER done that. I had a tricked out Trracer, the rest had semis. (That's when I was convinced to by a J&J brass barrel for all the guns I presently own that would take aftermarket barrels.) I took everyone of them out with one shot each. I went through ten shots, that one game.

Although I dismissed it as BS luck, they were having none of that kind of talk. Try as I might, I couldn't convince them. It was harder to convince them after the second game, 'cause I did it again.

Same day, same field. The first game in the afternoon, I came across a circle of bunkers, I dashed into the ring and two players sprang up. As I dove for cover, I fired off a shot in their general direction. I cowered like a dog behind the bunker. I could hear people talking. After what seemed to be an eternity, they both yelled, "I'm out."

The ref came over to me and said that my ball clipped the first guy on the corner of the goggle frame, split in half and hit the second guy in the mask, marking both with sufficient paint to have the ref declare them eliminated.

DURTY DAN -- PROTECTOR OF NEWBIES

One year, at Big Game East (in Long Island, NY) we tried to take the Yellow Team's command post. They wouldn't let us. We pulled back. Some poor Red newbie, with a field rental pump, was stranded behind a tree, as four Yellow guys with 'Cockers moved in for an easy kill.

I trotted back to him and said, "I'm Durty Dan, and I'm here to help you." And shot three of with single shots, from the hip. The fourth scampered off. I put my hands on my hips, and with my best super hero voice said, "Well, my job is done here." and scampered off, before my luck ran out.

DURTY DAN AND HIS PAINTBALL FORCE FIELD

We were playing a game in a village. Not being as lithe as I used to be, I hung back for the first half of the game. I made my move as opposing numbers thinned out a bit. I was almost near the flag station when I was caught out in the open by a knot of four opposing players. Several eliminated players were standing behind me, so I was basically shamed into standing my ground and fighting. I figured I'd get cool points by taking it like a man.

Firing my borrowed Sniper from the hip, I whacked two of them and made the other two think better and take cover.

The cool part was that the players behind me were amazed that the paintballs seemed to veer off, just before they reached me. It must have been an amazing sight, as I was wearing my leathers at the time. Black leather pants, black leather long coat and knee high Doc Marten boots. I looked like a reject from the Raid Warrior.

In retrospect I realized that the wind was at my back, and because I was in an open area, and the opposition was shooting into the wind, their shots veered off, and mine had a little extra push.

Of course, there's no telling people that. So now I have a force field, apparently.

DURTY DAN DEMONSTRATES THE ACCURACY OF A WGP SNIPER

The same day, the second game in the village. A young fellow was following me around. He was excited to meet me (for some reason). He was really excited because he witnessed my "force field" during the last game and was looking forward to playing with "the master". (His words, not mine.)

While we were standing beside a hut he asked if the Sniper was an accurate marker. At that exact moment an opposing player broke cover and it tagged him with a hip shot. I was still looking at the kid, when I did it.

"Can you do that again?" he asked.

"Nope. Not in a MILLION years." and I hip shot another opposing player, without looking.

He looked at me and said, "Time flies."

YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE TO AIM, YOU KNOW

At a Big Game (in Long Island, NY) I was walking around by myself. I was trying to hook up with members of the Red Team. The field is extremely huge and despite the fact that there was four hundred players on the Red, I couldn't find a soul.

As I rounded a bend on the road, I ran into about a dozen Yellow Team players. One pointed at me and yelled, "Red guy, get him!"

Being the tactical guru that I am, I turned tail and ran. Those guys absolutely peppered me. I'm sure they all had to reload by the time I managed to scramble around the bend and into cover. As I was running away (like the coward that I am) I put my marker over my shoulder and fired back at them.

I literally ran into a ref around the corner. The Yellow guys were screaming, "Check him ref! " , "I hit the @#@*%$!" and other stuff.

The ref checked me over and I was clean. The funny part was that five of the guys that were shooting at me were hit when I fired blindly over my shoulder.

They were all breaks.

WHAT I'M REALLY LIKE . . .

I routinely forget to load my marker. I never count my shots, so I always run out of CO2, or paint, or BOTH, during stock games. I've put gauges on all my stockguns, so I know how much air is left in them, otherwise, I'll forget and either dump a full one (thinking that it's empty) or start a game with an empty one (thinking that its full).

I have stopped counting the number of times I had someone cold and slowly squeezed the trigger to find out either the safety was on, or I forgot to cock the marker, or BOTH.

I had a "gun jinx" for about five years. No matter what marker I had, it never worked. Things are better, now. Mainly because I don't work on my own markers anymore, I'm willing to spend the money, to save on the inevitable grief.

I rarely make it through an entire game, without getting eliminated. I NEVER manage to grab the flag. A good day for me is getting five eliminations.

Apart from all of this, I always have tons of fun playing. Because, no matter how good THINK you are, you're no good if you're not having fun.

I'm not a good player. In fact, I'm a bit below average. However, there are days when I'm "in the zone" and I can do no wrong. There are times when I am laughed at by newbies, and there are times where extremely experienced players avoid me like the plague.

Look, just because I can maintain verb tense in a paragraph doesn't make me a paintball God. I can write well enough, but as one ref said to me, "Geeze, you don't play as good as you write."

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