SEMIS

So (because of my relative fame I) am sometimes forced to listen to the inane long-winded ramblings of some poor misguided creature who thinks their opinion really matters in the Greater Scheme of Things. I listen only out of the purest sense of politeness of course because it is expected of me to be gracious -- as beat into me by my mother. I mainly listen because I too have the tendancy to voice my opionion when it is not called for and it’s only fair to listen to the unsolocited opinions of others in light of that fact.

While they prattle on I nod my head sagely and think “yes I’m listening to you I just don’t care about what you have to say”. However, sometimes out of all the verbal refuse comes a gem (but not usually). For the most part when these morons they run out of inane stuff to say about paintball -- I get to hear how THEY would have handled a certain situation from some Made-For-The-Drooling-Masses TV sitcom of which I am vaguely familiar.

This one particular armchair philosopher (whose only comment on Aristotle is that’s it’s a "way cool” name for a goldfish) continually spouts off about how the semi-automatic paintgun has utterly ruined the Pure Sport Of Paintball. Of course this is all based ont he premise that paintball in it’s original state -- with bolt action Nelspots and paint at two dollars and fifty cents a tube - is the way paintball is meant to be played - as if God Almighty Himself has ordained it -- which could not be further from the truth.

Just for the record -- I would't want to go back to bolt action Nelspots and paint at two dollars for a tube of ten balls -- call me crazy.

The basic fact is that it was not the SEMI which ruined the SPORT it was the SPORT the ruined the SEMI. When the first semis came out they were more than adequate with their forty round feeders and their carbon dioxide power systems and we worked within the limitations of the equipment and were happy not to have to pump the darned thing. As happy as the Tooth Fairy after an international full contact kick-boxing event. Eventually (of course) hoppers got bigger and semis got better. What surprises me is that the more accurate the semi became the larger the hoppers got. Which seems to me to be a contradiction as if the marker is more accurate, you should need less paint (but then again what the heck do I know). Of course, this was not the case and soon the only criteria for a semi was that it shot fast really fast.

Let's slow down for a sec and lets just think about some things. Like why should I (after paying six hundred dollars for a semi) then be forced to spend ANOTHER few hundred dollars to make it “work right”, by today’s artificially emplaced standards. The real reason why we need nitrogen and regulators and motorized loaders is due to the simple undeniable fact that players are forcing the paintgun to outperform its design parameters to meet unreal expectations placed there (not by the industry) but by the players themselves.

Now please allow me the indulgence of repeating that as it sounds mildly important: the reason why you have to spend hundreds of dollars to make up for the apparent “shortcomings in performance” from a top-of-the-line semi is due to the simple undeniable fact that players are forcing the paintgun to outperform its design parameters to meet the unreal expectations placed there (not by the industry) but by the players themselves.

NOW that we all UNDERSTAND this we can see that few semis were ever designed to take the constant abuse of shooting paint (like you owned controlling stock in the company and thereby paying yourself by using the paint). This is why you need all that crap and are dependant on constant air and large hoppers.

What absolutely astounds me is that the same players who deem it absolutely necessary to use all this extraneous crap also will rabidly defend the accuracy required from a barrel manufacturer. What they don’t realize is that with the amount of paint they are pounding out accuracy is not necessary. So why then do players spend vast amounts of money to get the kind of accuracy (that if possible would give military and police snipers wet dreams) when the paintgun essentially fires a projectile that only costs TWO CENTS to make? What it boils down to is this my fellow players: that THE MARKER IS ONLY GOOD AS THE PAINT IT FIRES.

All the tricks in the world are not going to change a fact of physics. Accuracy is a quality desired when you have to make EVERY shot count. Whereas players with their obscenely tricked out semis routinely waste anywhere between five hundred to a thousand rounds per SINGLE OPPONENT. I fail to see the reasoning why a semi needs to have any inherent accuracy at all.

NOT ONE OF YOU grunting paint hosers can really appreciate the superior machining or the artistic application of anodization or the finely machined tolerance on what are essentially working pieces of art and all you can grunt out is “shoots fast” and I’m surprised you can get that many words in an incomplete sentence.

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