[Author's Note: This was my first attempt at humour. Some may say it failed.]
INTRODUCTION
Some will say that paintball has only been around since 1981. Well, it's been POPULAR since that time. My recent historical research shows that paintball has been around a lot longer than that. This entire article is TRUE. (I am also directly descended from any famous historical figure mentioned in this article.)
25 million BC
Zoog Aarg organizes the first "paintrock" field. Paintmarkers are
made of stone, paintrocks are made of stone. High ratio of player
injuries result due to poor visibility -- goggles are made of stone.
4221 BC
Noah has the first professional paintball tournament. It is cancelled
on account of rain.
3654 BC
First (and last) David and Goliath Open Paintball Tournament.
Goliath is paintball's only fatality. Philistines demand a chrono check
on David's sling.
21 AD
First all Christian paintball team established. Loses to a team known
as "Rome's Lions" in the Circus Maximus.
1774 AD
Marie Antoinette is told that the peasants so not have proper
goggles. She replies, "Let them use shop glasses." She is beheaded
by the KWPPA (Known World Paintball Player's Association).
1776 AD
Americans can load and fire one ball per minute out of their muzzle
loading paintmarkers. The British team nick names the
"Minutemen". The British Team loses the event.
1924 AD
Al Capone outlaws the use of red paint in the Gangster's Valentines
Invitational. He claims it confuses hits with real bullet wounds.
1942 AD
Albert Einstein, after playing his first game, develops the Theory of
Paintball Relativity.
NU=Pb*-Bbl.
Relative Need (N) times Relative Situational Urgency (U) equals
paintball (Pb) broken (*) in barrel (Bbl).
1959 AD
Durty Dan is born. The best thing ever to happen to paintball.
1963 AD
Flower power revolutionizes fashion, but makes lousy camouflage.
1976 AD
Disco fashion does to footwear what flower power did to
camouflage. Players find it hard to run in the woods wearing
platform shoes. Smaller fields, shorter game durations and advances
in paintmarker range are established because of this set-back.
1980-1987 AD
Durty Dan invents the first paintball marker, paintball tactics, gravity
feed, dual twelve gram systems, quick changers, constant air, the
auto-trigger, the first semiautomatic paintmarker, large capacity
loaders, professional paintball tournaments, IPPA. NAPRA, NPPL,
ESPN, the siphon tank, expansion chamber, goggles, squeegees,
high pressure air systems . . .
1988 AD
Durty Dan realizes that he invented everything that has ever
revolutionized paintball. He gives credit for dirt and trees to God,
after being mysteriously struck by lightening for attempting to take
the credit for himself.
1989 AD
Durty Dan gets his one millionth elimination during his one hundred
thousandth game. He as never been eliminated himself. When
asked about Durty Dan; Youndblood, Fred Schultz, the Ironmen, the
All-Americans, etc, say that they are "Scared to death of that guy."
1990 AD
Durty Dan finally realizes that during his creative genius period of
1980-1988 he was so busy making paintball what it is today, he
forgot to patent any of his inventions. Others get the credit.
1991 AD
Durty Dan decides to let bygones be bygones. He drops his lawsuit
against Tippmann Pneumatics, cancel his contract on Tom Kaye of
Airgun Designs and stops spreading rumours that Dave Youngblood
doesn't really exist. He is now content with the fact that he, single
handedly, brought paintball to where it is today.
1992AD
Durty Dan gets his first article published. A banner day for paintball.
Randy Kamiya, then editor for Action Pursuit Games Magazine, says
that Durty Dan has done more for paintball than any other sentient
being in the universe (including himself). He thinks Durty Dan should
be named the Patron Saint of Paintball, and every player in the world
should send him all their worldly possessions to show their
gratitude.
[The following is the original editor's comment to the article. The editor at that time was Randy Kamiya.] About the Author: Recent reports suggest, however, that his overinflated sense of self importance finally reached critical mass last month. His huge ego exploded, severely injuring fourteen people in the front row in the audience during his "How To Be Humble And Still Be As Great, Wonderful, Handsome And Perfect As Me" speaking tour.
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