Forget all that crap. You don’t need to be good. I was wrong. All you need is a really fast semi. I mean something that can fire at 20 shots a second. You want to be able to put out a forest fire, man.
Hosing is the only way to win the game. I don’t mean a few hundred paintballs per game. If you don’t go through a case of paint for every player you eliminate, you’re a loser.
Hosers must endeavour to also set a double standard. You delight in putting fifty rounds into your victim. If YOU receive any more than ONE hit, you must have the biggest fit you can muster. I’m talking a drop-and-hammer-your-feet-and-fists-on-the-ground temper tantrum. Holding your breath until you turn blue works too. The more immature, the better.
The Hoser must also not just lay waste at an obvious target. You should hose down bushes, trees, rocks, buildings, teammates, and figments of your imagination. This is call "recon by fire” and you are doing this, just in case someone is there.
Hosers must be as abusive as possible in the staging area between games. Talk loudly about the last guy you lit up and how mad he was. Say stuff like, "You know what I say, if you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen,” and "If you want to run with the big dogs, you have to get off the porch”. Don’t forget to chide your previous victims, "Is the first coat dry?”
During the game, here are a few things to holler as you hose.
"Welcome to Weltville, population: YOU!”
"Hose-a-gram for [insert name here].”
"Eat paint, you losers.”
As a Hoser you will find that few semis will keep up with your constant firing. (I mean CONSTANT. As soon as the horn blows you should start shooting and don’t stop until the game is over, you are out, or you get debilitating cramps in your hand.) Don’t worry about manufacturers not meeting your expectations, that’s why aftermarket accessories were invented. Remotes, expansion chambers, motorized loaders, nitrogen systems, cool barrels and internal modifications all make up for the design shortcomings of a $600.00 paintmarker. Sure, it’ll cost you more than the Gross National Product of a larger, Western, industrialized nation, what the hell. It’s only money. For a hoser, money is no object.
You need money for paint? Sell your house, your car, your stock portfolio. I’m sure you have rich relatives to sponge off of. Every hoser should.
I used to say that hosing was wrong. That multiple hits on an opponent was immoral and not nice. Boy, was I wrong! There’s nothing better than shooting paint like you own stock in the company. (That’s another tip for you hosers; buy stock in paint companies, it’s like paying yourself to play.)
No, hosing is the only way to get better.
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