THE DISAPPEARANCE OF RANDY KAMIYA
Ever wonder where he went to? He was riding high as the second editor of Action Pursuit Magazine and he left, for no reason. Later the same Randy Kamiya started Paintball Industry Magazine. All of a sudden, he disappears. I guess it's not a good idea to piss off the folks at APG. Anyone see Jessica Sparks lately?
MICRO SENSORS PLACED IN MARKERS
How many times has this happened? You try your marker on the range, it works flawlessly. You get on thew field and it doesn't work. You leave the field, go to the range and it WORKS!
Here's a tip. Take the marker apart and shake every piece vigorously. There are Global Positioning System sensors in the marker and it tells the marker when you're on the field. You see the sensors are microscopic, and cannot be seen by the naked eye, but can be shaken off easily. Put your marker back together and I guarantee it will work in the next game.
I know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows Glenn Palmer's manicurist's second cousin's, wife's, mother-in-law and she said that the reason why you don't see Glenn Palmer's guns being mass produced is because he has refused to put the micro GPS sensors in his markers. The industry will not allow any mass produced marker to leave the factory without at least ONE of these sensors.
SUBLIMINAL TOURNAMENT BRAINWASHING
At one time, in Recreational Paintball, we were happy with our pumps and large fields. Now everyone has some kind of electro-whatever and all the playing fields are just speedball fields. All of a sudden, Rec-Ballers are dressing and equipping themselves like tourney players. Worst of all, they've also adopted the attitude -- even though they say they've never been in a tourney. You ever wonder why that is?
My Secret Sources tell me that this is Subliminal Tournament Brainwashing, or STB. You see all these tourney leagues like the NPPL and the Pan-Am and the Masters and the Mistresses and the Bad Dog Finals and the Trippsan Falls Amateur Professional Paintball League, they WANT everybody to play in tournaments and NO ONE to play Rec-Ball. So they make Rec-fields cut their fields down in size so when the insidious takeover begins, we won't notice it.
PURPOSELY FLAWED PAINTBALLS
Many paint manufacturers make excellent products, the problem is that somewhere between the factory and the field, they turn to crap. How so? It is the work of a diabolical group of terrorists known as the Society Totally Unimpressed [with] Paintball Imprisonment [and] Defilement (or S.T.U.P.I.D. for short.)
They intercept paintball cargos and purposely break, misshape and dimple the paintballs they find there. Their purpose: to force players to release the damaged paintballs back into the wild by throwing them into the garbage.
PAINTBALL ILLUMINATI
This is the secret society behind pricing, products and the way the game is played. For years there have been rumours about the Paintball Illuminati. I now have a list of names to post as to the identities and responsibilities of the Paintball Illuminati:
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SYSTEMS ERROR This page is now shut down by order of the Paintball Illuminati -- despite the fact that we don't exist. Move along YOU! There's nothing to see here.
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