DURTY DAN'S GUIDE TO POLITE RESPONSES

There are times when things go wrong. Sometimes itís nobodyís fault. Other times, however, you have a person to blame. It takes a lot of will power not to tear a strip off some incompetent boob. What can you do? You canít keep all that frustration bottled up. Keep those feelings inside and the next thing you know youíre in a big, white hospital occupying a room with mattress wall paper.

You also canít just go off and spew insults at the person. Thatís not in keeping with the spirit of Rec-Ball. So how can you have the best of both worlds? Itís easy, just use the examples I have listed below. In fact, they can become kind of a code, and if everyone in your group uses them and knows the actual translation, it can be a great source of entertainment as well. I will list what you should say, and then provide the exact translation in parenthesis

INCOMPETENT REFEREE STAFF

- I believe the ref who made the call may be misinformed. (That ref has his head up his butt.)

- I see what you mean. (Youíre a goof; a big, fat, stupid goof.)

- You have a very good point, sir. (Shut that festering hole you call a mouth, youíre as dumb as a bag of mice.)

- I can see you effectively use the fine training given to you by NAPRA. (Whereíd you get that NAPRA patch, you steal it from a QUALIFIED ref?)

- I agree totally. (Youíre absolutely delusional, you know that?)

- I have no problem with that decision. (What are you BLIND as well as stupid?)

- Perhaps you should discuss this with my group organizer/team captain. (Hereís a quarter, call someone who cares.)

COMPLAINTS WITH THE MANAGEMENT

- These prices are very reasonable. (Youíre a money grubbing weasel.)

- This is a unique colour of paint. (This paint sucks.)

- I love a challenge. (This field sucks.)

- I find this game format very interesting. (This game sucks.)

- Could I have a set a camouflage that fits me better? (Take these back, and next time try to remember to delouse these things before you give them a customer. Have you not heard of laundry detergent?)

- This rental marker is in excellent shape, but I prefer to use the one my friend has decided to loan me. (This marker is better off being used as a boat anchor.)

- Could I have another pair of goggles? The lenses are scratched in these ones. (These goggles smell like something died in them.)

- The group would rather play on the other field. (If you put us in that swamp again, I swear Iíll come back some night and burn this place to the ground.)

- No, Iím just tired, I was up late last night. (Iíve packed up my gear because I canít take any more of your incompetence, price gouging, moronic staff or the fact that you have the audacity to call a pop and two bags of chips 'lunchí and actually charge an extra ten dollars for it.)

- I canít remember when Iíve had a more pleasurable paintball experience. (I will NEVER cast my shadow on this field again. If anyone I know ever comes here, and that includes family, I will never speak to them again, just out of principle.)

TEAMMATES

- Perhaps I didnít make the plan clear enough. (You couldnít pour water out of a rubber boot if the instructions were on the heel. Youíre about as sharp as a sack of wet leather.)

- I really need you to defend the flag and watch our backs. (Donít even bother leaving the flag station, and if the opposition comes along, just GIVE them the flag. Youíre as useless as a kick-stand on a tank.)

- I admire your attitude, winning doesnít matter to you. (Are you even TRYING?)

- Youíre the best man for the job. (If you stay out of the way, it will be better for all concerned.)

- Sometimes luck just isnít on your side. (I canít believe that newbie eliminated you for the fourth game in a row. How long have you been playing?)

- Itís not ANYONEíS fault. (We lost and it was because of YOU.)

- We want you to lead the assault. (Weíre tired of you shooting us in the back.)

- Think of the money youíre saving on paint. (What do you mean you only lasted the first three minutes of the game, again?)

- I think somethingís wrong with your marker. (You couldnít hit a bull in the butt with a banjo. Youíd be better off THROWING paintballs at them.)

- Youíre a valuable member of the team. (It would be the same, whether you played or not.)

GENERAL REMARKS - FOR ALL OCCASIONS

- I donít think you understand. (Dig the crap out of your ears.)

- Thatís an interesting observation. (Did your mother drop you on your head, when you were a child?)

- I couldnít agree more. (Blow it out your ear.)

- Thank you. (Eat crap!)

- Thank you, very much. (Eat crap and die!)

- Thank you, very much, sir. (Eat crap and die, you donkeyís behind!)

- How nice. How very, very nice. (Thatís the most insipid and inane thing I have ever heard come out of anyoneís mouth. Iím amazed you have made it through life this far, operating on only a brain stem. Are you even FROM this planet?)


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