IT'S NOT A COMPLETE DAY OF PAINTBALL
Unless One (or More) of the Following "Paintball Misadventures"
Occurs
INTRODUCTION
Let's face facts. Murphy's law applies to paintball more than
any other facet of life. Things always go wrong. In my mind: It's
not a COMPLETE day of paintball unless one (or more) of the
following PAINTBALL MISADVENTURES occurs.
PAINTBALL MISADVENTURE # 1. YOU SPILL AT LEAST 100
ROUNDS ONTO THE GROUND.
I don't care if it's in camp or on the
playing field. Someone is going to dump rounds on the ground. If
you're playing stock, you'll probably only lose ten rounds. (One of the
many advantages stock has over open play.)
PAINTBALL MISADVENTURE # 2. YOU LOSE YOUR SQUEEGEE.
"It was in my pocket a minute ago." I think that the only way to make
money in paintball is to own stock in a squeegee manufacturing
company. How many squeegees have YOU lost? I've lost more
squeegees than all the other pieces of paintball equipment I've lost
COMBINED (including my mind).
PAINTBALL MISADVENTURE # 3. YOU FORGET TO CLOSE
YOUR FEEDER.
You're running through the woods and scattering
paintballs around like you're throwing confetti at a wedding. The
great thing is now that they have these marvellous high capacity
feeders, so you can lose up to 300 balls this way. Isn't advanced
technology wonderful?
PAINTBALL MISADVENTURE # 4. YOU GET HIT AFTER YOU
CALL YOURSELF OUT.
You have your hands in the air, you have your
plug in, and your shouting "I'm hit, I'm out, don't shoot me any more,
please." Despite all this, some trigger happy "yahoo" puts five more
into you and uses the excuse that he thought you were still in the
game.
PAINTBALL MISADVENTURE # 5. YOU GET HIT BY A
TEAMMATE.
This proves the adage, "Friendly fire isn't very friendly."
It could be that, when you were running to the next bunker, you
crossed your teammate's stream of paint. It could be because he
couldn't see your armband. It could be because he's a freaking idiot.
PAINTBALL MISADVENTURE # 6. YOU FORGET SOMETHING
IMPORTANT AT HOME.
I've forgotten my goggles, my markers, my
bottles, my paint, my boots, my throat guard, my harness and my
brain. No matter how carefully you pack, SOMETHING will be
missing. I think it's the work of aliens, but then again I wear a tin foil
hat to stop me from getting psychic messages from my cats. It may
just be my own personal paranoia.
PAINTBALL MISADVENTURE # 7. YOU CALL YOURSELF OUT,
ONLY TO FIND IT WAS A BOUNCE.
As you're walking off the field,
you ask a ref, if it broke or not. It is then you realize that you should
have asked that question BEFORE you called yourself out. Oh well,
back to camp for a short rest.
PAINTBALL MISADVENTURE # 8. YOU RUN OUT OF PAINT,
OR AIR, (OR BOTH) WHEN YOU'RE OUTNUMBERED.
You've got
three rounds in your loader. You're down to about 500 p.s.i. and
three people rush you. You could have given them a good fight, but
you had no time to reload or change tanks. I do this all the time
when we play stock. The ONLY time I have several opponents
coming after me is when I have three shots left in the marker and I
have to change 12 grams.
PAINTBALL MISADVENTURE # 9. YOUR MARKER
REPEATEDLY WORKS GREAT ON THE TARGET RANGE, BUT WILL
NOT WORK DURING A GAME.
I think many markers have a sensor
in them that detects the presence of yellow tape and other boundary
markings and shuts the marker's systems down. The rest have the
same type of sensors, but they only shut your marker down when
someone blows a whistle or horn. When you get off the field, and try
your marker on the range, it works flawlessly. Here's a tip. Take the
marker apart and shake every piece vigorously. You see the sensors
are microscopic, and cannot be seen by the naked eye, but can be
shaken off easily. Put your marker back together and I guarantee it
will work in the next game. If this trick doesn't work it's not
neccessarily because I'm delusional, it's because you didn't shake the
parts vigourously enough.
PAINTBALL MISADVENTURE # 10. YOU BREAK A BALL IN
YOUR MARKER
This is usually when you find out that Paintball
Misadventure Number Two has also occurred and you've lost your
squeegee.
If not even one of these things happened to you, the last time
you were out to the field, you weren't playing paintball. If you were, I
suggest being careful crossing the street, fate has a nasty way of
making up for missed opportunities.
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