With that, on with the lesson.
"Talkin' trash" is an artful use of creative insults. You have to be REALLY creative, or it won't be funny. There are rules, however. You don't insult a person's: ethnicity, parentage, heritage, sexual orientation, gender, or religious/political beliefs. Nor do you pick on "significant others". That's simply "not nice". The idea here is to have some fun -- not start a fist fight.
Durty Dan Sez:
Also, not everyone can "talk trash". Some people couldn't be funny even if you tripped them into a mud puddle. If you can't tell a joke to save your life, don't try "talkin' trash".
What you CAN do, if you're short on original material, is steal. I routinely use quotes from popular movies. Even if your opponents haven't seen the movie, if the lines are funny enough, they'll get the desired response. My personal favourite is the dialogue from the "French Taunter" scenes in Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail. Calling people "tiny brained wipers of other people's bottoms" will usually get a humorous response. Other things to include, would be, but are not limited to:
"You cheesy lot of second-hand, electric-brained, donkey-bottom biters."
"You empty-headed, animal food trough whopper."
"You don't frighten me with your silly knees bent, running around, advancing behaviour. I fart in your general direction."
When taunted yourself, and staying in the "French Taunter" mode, rejoinders can be:
"Go and boil your bottom under a silly person."
"Run away, illegitimate baguette hawk."
"Go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."
"I wave my private parts at your auntie."
And of course, "I one more time, unclog my nose at you and call your speech a silly thing."
After you've unleashed a four or five minute humorous tirade, end with, "And if you think you got a nasty taunting this time . . . you ain't heard nothing yet."
Although I said not to insult parentage, this line passes the muster, "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries." All of this has absolutely no effect, if it isn't done in an "outrageous french accent".
Other movies are also handy. Army of Darkness has a good line, that we of the Canadian Contingent Paintball Club use all the time. "Come get some." Usually said in the most insidious voice you can muster. Low in volume and delivered in a flat monotone, this is a VERY cool line.
Aliens is good for when you are out numbered. While firing frantically you shout: "You want some of this? Oh, you want some too? Come and get it, here's some for you . . ." I'm sure you get the idea.
I am hoping for the opportunity to come up behind someone and use the Billy the Kid line from Young Guns, "Make ya famous." (I am well known, and at least you can say, I got whacked by Durty Dan. Unfortunately, not many people can say that.)
Another line comes to me now, accredited to Aeron Carter, of Carter Machine Products. "It's customary to leave the field, when you've been eliminated." You can figure out when you're suppose to use this, I'm sure.
Original material is good as well. My favourite is "My grand ma can shoot better than that," and "you couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a banjo." When the opposition is trying to taunt you into breaking cover, or coming into range, try my favourite comeback: "I'd rather sandblast a bobcat's butt in a phone booth."
Calling someone "the south end of a north-bound polecat" is not only creative, it usually takes them a few seconds to get it.
If you can't think of a rejoinder, a "No, YOU." will suffice. Especially if the comment doesn't fit the retort. Example: He says, "Where'd you learn how to shoot." You say: "No, YOU." I think everyone needs a little non-sequitur surrealism in their lives.
You don't have to talk, to "talk trash". Dancing around in the open when you're long balling can be very unnerving to the opposition. They'll also waste a whole lot of paint. (You can also shout, "Wouldn't it be easier to just GIVE me five bucks?") Making an elaborate show of picking up their paintballs, and dropping them into your loader, is a nice touch.
Try "calling-in" your opponent's shots. You know, to correct his aim. Telling him to shoot higher/lower/a little to the left will frustrate him, especially if you're giving him the wrong instructions.
General Taunting is used when you don't know where the opposition is, especially good at the first of the game. Calling out things like, "Oh no, I'm out of air/paint." and "My marker's not working." My personal favourite is, "Help me, I've fallen and I can't reach my beer." (No, I don't drink on the field -- it's a JOKE.)
Using funny voices or obvious sarcasm (like how a really bad actor would read their lines) helps ease the edge off your "trash".
In conclusion, I must again warn you that not everyone has a sense of humour. I have been threatened with physical violence by the "humour challenged". It's best to play a few games and try experimental lines like:
"Excuse me sir, could you step out from behind that tree, so I can shoot you?" "Hey you're SHOOTING at me!" and "Hey, guys -- That bush DOES have an Automag!"
Durty Dan Sez:
Gauge the response accordingly. If people get upset, back off. Be nice and keep ALL your teeth.
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