INTRODUCTION
Telling "war" stories is as much a part of paintball as getting shot in the melon. Maybe even more so. Not for me, though, I get shot in the ol' brain-pan a LOT. What was I saying? Oh yeah . . .
We're all a big pack of liars. Everyone exaggerates, or even completely fabricates their paintball stories. The first casualty of the paintball tale is truth.
Tell all the stories you want, but beware! There will always be one person who will try and trip you up. They have nothing better to do than to make you look bad. They may be able to get the better of you on the field, but don't let them embarrass you in camp as well. If you don't want this to happen, there are important things to remember, when you're telling tall tales.
RULE # 1: The persons in the story should NOT be present when you tell it.
This is the biggest mistake you can make. Those guys will correct you, disagree with details and otherwise become large nuisances. Not only is this embarrassing, but it ruins a good story. (I hate idiots like that.) I've solved this problem. I helped establish our paintball club and they're a bigger pack of story tellers than I am. They're not about to tell me I'm full of it -- lest they get an accusing finger pointed at THEM. Surround yourself with frauds and no one will question you, it worked for me. (Man, they're gonna KILL me for that one.)
RULE # 2: Even if the people are not present when you're telling the story: DO NOT mention names in a story.
These names become references that can trip you up, later on. Use terms like "buddy", "mac" and "watz-hiz-name".
RULE # 3: DO NOT talk about any game that happened that day.
Those games are fresh in your fellow player's minds. People will be really keen to correct you or call you a big, fat fibber. Talk about "days gone by". If you've only been playing for a few months, you're out of luck. Get some time under your belt and THEN come back and dazzle me with your escapades.
RULE # 4: DO NOT use elements in your story that are unbelievable.
Using things like: Shooting people at ranges of 500 feet, taking out twenty players, and leaping over tall buildings will just expose you for the lying cur that you are. If you're notorious for being a lousy shot, don't use any "sniper" stories, you'll get pegged IMMEDIATELY. Just remember, a little bit makes the grass grow and no one knows it's there; a truck-load stinks to high heaven from a hundred yards away.
RULE # 5: Don't forget to use "luck".
"Oh I hit him at about 100 feet, but it was BS luck. It was still a good shot."
RULE # 6: The best way is to tell it with NO ONE else in it.
Mention that you had separated from your teammates by then.
RULE # 7: NEVER use exact geographical references.
Use terms like the "far corner", or "somewhere near the village". Naming the exact locations will only allow listeners to call you on things like; the brush is too thick to get a shot through, or that's not even on the field you're talking about.
RULE # 8: Remember what you said.
If you can't remember what you said, fake it. I usually use, "I've been playing for so long, one story is like the next." Smiling and nodding as they re-tell it also helps. DO NOT try and tell the story along with them. You'll make a mistake and they'll have you cold. Remember some lies others have told you, it'll come in handy for Rule #12.
RULE # 9: If you repeat a story, change it a bit.
Nothing says "lie" more than repeating a story verbatim from the last time you told it. If you do tell it again, embellish it a little, or leave things out, it will make it more believable. No one has a perfect memory and they usually add or take things out of a story when the re-tell it.
RULE # 10: Put a ring of truth in it.
Make sure you mention a well- known failing you have. "Well you know I don't like to run, but . . ." A little truth goes along way, stretch it for all it's worth. Don't use too much truth, it will only wreck the story.
RULE # 11: DO NOT always tell stories where you are the hero.
Don't make it look like you're bragging. That's just sets off alarm bells in the listener's head. Tell some stories that didn't turn out well for you. Who'd lie about messing up? These also make the funniest stories, and some of my best tall tales are about when I got hosed.
RULE # 12: If you suspect somebody is full of crap, keep your cake-hole SHUT TIGHT.
Don't go telling him he's stuffed so full of it his eyes are turning brown. Nod, smile, laugh at the appropriate times and keep your pie-trap SLAMMED CLOSED. He'll remember that and, when you're exercising YOUR ration-pit, he'll keep is bean- filter as tight as a land-washed clam. Some gnat-brained idiots won't. If someone does start running his noise-maker off, start pulling his stories apart, that'll keep the slandering moron from trying to destroy YOUR reputation. That's where that last little bit in Rule # 8 comes in. The best line is; "Hey, I shut up when YOU were rattling your fraudulent, myth-spewing burger-muncher. You lying sack of festering dog excrement" (That line also gets a good laugh.)
CONCLUSION
Look, everyone knows you're full of it. They can tell when you're lying. You know how? Your lips move. That doesn't matter, they're a pack of deceiving jackals, too. Besides, you should NEVER let the truth get in the way of a good story.
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